I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
