Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
