Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
