Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
