My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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