She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
