Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
