she was so not down for the gang bang
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
