before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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