The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
