ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
