I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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