i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
