the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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