..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
