Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
