Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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