a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
