Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
