I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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