God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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