I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
