Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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