Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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