i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
