Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
