what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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