I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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