just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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