She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
