i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
