Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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