Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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