her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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