BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
