I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
being pregnant is like rehab
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
