Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
