drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
