Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
