all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You ate ashes out of my bong
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
