i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
