Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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