my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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