So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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