they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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