6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
