Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
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I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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