Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
