I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
