from now on my penis is your penis
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
