i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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