ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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