Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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