Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
