i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cut my penus on the lid.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
