And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
