I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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