oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
