So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
