we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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