i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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