Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
