It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
high people should be assigned attendants
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
