Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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