Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
